Post by Denethor on Oct 21, 2009 18:27:48 GMT -5
WARNING - THE FOLLOWING IS A LLEWELLYN PAN. If you're sick of that topic, move on, but if you're in the mood it's a nice long one.
In the laff-and-a-haff department, we have:
Ascension Magick:How to Get Too Big For Your Britches In Twenty-Three Easy Chapters Ritual, Myth & Healing for the New Aeon.
Note: The following review can be applied to the Llewellyn remainder-bin denizen of your choice.
From the B-movie theater of the occult books world, Llewellyn. It follows the basic pattern of effectively every Llewellyn how-to-be-a-cool-thing-in-X-easy-steps guide:
1) The first couple of chapters give a bunch of bum history. In this particular book's case since the history is fairly recent so these chapters actually get most of the names, dates, and orgs right, but they're naturally a bit googly-eyed about it all.
2) By Chapter Three or Four you should get a 101-level grounding or meditation exercise, or your money back . Extra points if it's presented as some never-before-revealed secret. Extra extra points if it's identical to one you've already done in the context of psychotherapy.
3) The Ritual. It always contains the following elements: (a) Elements. (b) Directions. (c) "The meditation from Chapter X up to step Y". (d) Intent (but not much). (e) a call to one of the following: Gods, Angels, Ascended Masters. If your book has a black cover, demons or ghosts may also be an option. These steps can come in any order, since it's been a loooong time since any of these Rituals had a connection to any real tradition, but the most common is c, b, a, e, d. Note on the Elements part: if they're represented by tools (gots to has the tools!) the following will always be suggested. A feather or incense for air; a candle or again incense for fire (bonus points if something dumb like a packet of matches is suggested); a shell or cup for Water; a stone or bowl of sand/earth for Earth. (They will also always be suggested in that order.) If your preference is for bonfires or knives, you're creepy-spooky; go get the book with the black cover instead.
Incidentally, somewhere around here there will be a warning that the work may not be "safe" for those who have certain health problems, a predilection for being "creepy-spooky" as aforementioned, or the like. Don't worry - this statement isn't so much here to warn you as it is to convince you that the technique(s) are powerful enough to actually be effective. Because we all know a thing has to be "unsafe" if it's to actually work.
(4) Related to The Ritual. You can has Gods! (Or Angels, or Masters, or macaroni or whatever). There is at some point, generally in Chapter Five or Six, a master list of plug-n-play Deities. Mix 'em and match 'em to your heart's content, observing only one rule: whatever you have selected for your "Intent" (remember that?) must appear in the two or three sentence paragraph under the Deity's name, which is conveniently presented in bold text, in the appropriate paragraph separated by a double spaced line in the relevant Chapter. The Deity's name need not be in bold text in your Ritual. Should your "magick" be successful, Its wrath can find you anyway. No need for any further research after that point.
For some of the books, you get to pick two. You may have heard somewhere that boys and girls are made differently. In the two-sentence paragraph, a pronoun or something should let you know whether the entity in question is a boy or a girl. Under these bonus systems, you get to pick one of each. No need to see if the particular two you choose like to play together or anything silly like that. Are they from different parts of the world? No language in common? Cultures have been at war most of forever? No problem. These systems assume that you're middle-class, white, and bored, and the primary message of these books is that that means you can do whatever you want.
(5) Symbols to use in the ritual, by gesturing them or by drawing them on "parchment" (notebook paper is what the book will most likely suggest as an alternative). Or, you can etch them on a candle. How original. These symbols are generally round - hey look! Scouting badges!
Intents! The book may not cover much of this; selecting an intent is supposed to be based on what you'd like to do at the moment. If too much TV or Llewellyn reading has rotted out your higher brain functions, let me help you pick something (I'll even use double spaced lines between each concept and bold text).
Raising Your Energy Level. An all-time favorite, this has nothing to do with eating healthier, exercising, or getting enough rest. No, it's about raising your "vibrations", which any fool knows is going to make you better than all those saps out there with un-raised vibrations.
Remembering Your Past Lives. You'll get nowhere in the New Age Fashion Show without these. Don't believe in reincarnation? Better do the raising of your energy level - once your vibrations are high enough, you'll doubtless know to agree with everything you read in the book. (Note: assess the common-sense level of your intended audience. The higher this is, the more "humble" or "average" your Past Life will have to be. Don't worry, you can make up for that with a strong connection to a sufficiently High Ascended Master.)
Contacting Your Spirit Guides. Another thing you'll need for the fashion show. Extra points if your Guide features a truly awful outdated ethnic stereotype. Extra extra points if you're willing to show up in public dressed as him/her/it. Extra extra extra points if the foregoing is true and your Guide is an animal.
Create Abundance. I swear books of rituals for this are written as jokes. Really, what better way to create abundance for the publisher than to succumb to the thirty-dollar price tag? (That's why, if it's this sort of entertainment you want, you scout the secondhand places and the remainder bin. Or do what I do and take full advantage of perks like free shipping and "bonus bucks". If your public library is well stocked with these books, I pity you). If you're wondering, my personal favorite spell for abundance has three words, and you heard it from your Dad.
Bring Back Lover. Wait...you kicked "Lover" to the curb for a reason, remember? How about a locksmith instead?
Raising your POWER!!! Oooh, that book did have a black cover, didn't it? Skip this exercise and just put on some eye makeup and learn to stare at people. You'll act the same either way (stoned, but you won't know any better). If you're over twenty-one, incidentally, you are too old to do this. Not because of some occult window closing...but because if you haven't grown out of the "power" game by then, you should really consider moving out on your own already.
Discovering Your Soul's Purpose. Wasting time with this, instead of finding your interests and talents, getting an education, and seeking a life based on what you value, is pretty much a guarantee to discover that your Soul's Purpose is to remain forever a greeter at Wal-Mart.
Now, there's nothing wrong with living with your parents and/or working a crap job temporarily, but those who are in these situations are usually looking to get out, no? Want ads, apartment listings, and educational opportunities will serve you in this direction better than the book. But the book can be entertaining.
Or, you could just apply this formula, pick a window-dressing for it, write your own book and market it to Llewellyn. But you didn't hear that from me.
Oh shit. Now I have to expand the points system, so it can be used on every such book...maybe as a group-reading drinking game or such...
In the laff-and-a-haff department, we have:
Ascension Magick:
Note: The following review can be applied to the Llewellyn remainder-bin denizen of your choice.
From the B-movie theater of the occult books world, Llewellyn. It follows the basic pattern of effectively every Llewellyn how-to-be-a-cool-thing-in-X-easy-steps guide:
1) The first couple of chapters give a bunch of bum history. In this particular book's case since the history is fairly recent so these chapters actually get most of the names, dates, and orgs right, but they're naturally a bit googly-eyed about it all.
2) By Chapter Three or Four you should get a 101-level grounding or meditation exercise, or your money back . Extra points if it's presented as some never-before-revealed secret. Extra extra points if it's identical to one you've already done in the context of psychotherapy.
3) The Ritual. It always contains the following elements: (a) Elements. (b) Directions. (c) "The meditation from Chapter X up to step Y". (d) Intent (but not much). (e) a call to one of the following: Gods, Angels, Ascended Masters. If your book has a black cover, demons or ghosts may also be an option. These steps can come in any order, since it's been a loooong time since any of these Rituals had a connection to any real tradition, but the most common is c, b, a, e, d. Note on the Elements part: if they're represented by tools (gots to has the tools!) the following will always be suggested. A feather or incense for air; a candle or again incense for fire (bonus points if something dumb like a packet of matches is suggested); a shell or cup for Water; a stone or bowl of sand/earth for Earth. (They will also always be suggested in that order.) If your preference is for bonfires or knives, you're creepy-spooky; go get the book with the black cover instead.
Incidentally, somewhere around here there will be a warning that the work may not be "safe" for those who have certain health problems, a predilection for being "creepy-spooky" as aforementioned, or the like. Don't worry - this statement isn't so much here to warn you as it is to convince you that the technique(s) are powerful enough to actually be effective. Because we all know a thing has to be "unsafe" if it's to actually work.
(4) Related to The Ritual. You can has Gods! (Or Angels, or Masters, or macaroni or whatever). There is at some point, generally in Chapter Five or Six, a master list of plug-n-play Deities. Mix 'em and match 'em to your heart's content, observing only one rule: whatever you have selected for your "Intent" (remember that?) must appear in the two or three sentence paragraph under the Deity's name, which is conveniently presented in bold text, in the appropriate paragraph separated by a double spaced line in the relevant Chapter. The Deity's name need not be in bold text in your Ritual. Should your "magick" be successful, Its wrath can find you anyway. No need for any further research after that point.
For some of the books, you get to pick two. You may have heard somewhere that boys and girls are made differently. In the two-sentence paragraph, a pronoun or something should let you know whether the entity in question is a boy or a girl. Under these bonus systems, you get to pick one of each. No need to see if the particular two you choose like to play together or anything silly like that. Are they from different parts of the world? No language in common? Cultures have been at war most of forever? No problem. These systems assume that you're middle-class, white, and bored, and the primary message of these books is that that means you can do whatever you want.
(5) Symbols to use in the ritual, by gesturing them or by drawing them on "parchment" (notebook paper is what the book will most likely suggest as an alternative). Or, you can etch them on a candle. How original. These symbols are generally round - hey look! Scouting badges!
Intents! The book may not cover much of this; selecting an intent is supposed to be based on what you'd like to do at the moment. If too much TV or Llewellyn reading has rotted out your higher brain functions, let me help you pick something (I'll even use double spaced lines between each concept and bold text).
Raising Your Energy Level. An all-time favorite, this has nothing to do with eating healthier, exercising, or getting enough rest. No, it's about raising your "vibrations", which any fool knows is going to make you better than all those saps out there with un-raised vibrations.
Remembering Your Past Lives. You'll get nowhere in the New Age Fashion Show without these. Don't believe in reincarnation? Better do the raising of your energy level - once your vibrations are high enough, you'll doubtless know to agree with everything you read in the book. (Note: assess the common-sense level of your intended audience. The higher this is, the more "humble" or "average" your Past Life will have to be. Don't worry, you can make up for that with a strong connection to a sufficiently High Ascended Master.)
Contacting Your Spirit Guides. Another thing you'll need for the fashion show. Extra points if your Guide features a truly awful outdated ethnic stereotype. Extra extra points if you're willing to show up in public dressed as him/her/it. Extra extra extra points if the foregoing is true and your Guide is an animal.
Create Abundance. I swear books of rituals for this are written as jokes. Really, what better way to create abundance for the publisher than to succumb to the thirty-dollar price tag? (That's why, if it's this sort of entertainment you want, you scout the secondhand places and the remainder bin. Or do what I do and take full advantage of perks like free shipping and "bonus bucks". If your public library is well stocked with these books, I pity you). If you're wondering, my personal favorite spell for abundance has three words, and you heard it from your Dad.
Bring Back Lover. Wait...you kicked "Lover" to the curb for a reason, remember? How about a locksmith instead?
Raising your POWER!!! Oooh, that book did have a black cover, didn't it? Skip this exercise and just put on some eye makeup and learn to stare at people. You'll act the same either way (stoned, but you won't know any better). If you're over twenty-one, incidentally, you are too old to do this. Not because of some occult window closing...but because if you haven't grown out of the "power" game by then, you should really consider moving out on your own already.
Discovering Your Soul's Purpose. Wasting time with this, instead of finding your interests and talents, getting an education, and seeking a life based on what you value, is pretty much a guarantee to discover that your Soul's Purpose is to remain forever a greeter at Wal-Mart.
Now, there's nothing wrong with living with your parents and/or working a crap job temporarily, but those who are in these situations are usually looking to get out, no? Want ads, apartment listings, and educational opportunities will serve you in this direction better than the book. But the book can be entertaining.
Or, you could just apply this formula, pick a window-dressing for it, write your own book and market it to Llewellyn. But you didn't hear that from me.
Oh shit. Now I have to expand the points system, so it can be used on every such book...maybe as a group-reading drinking game or such...